“We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.” Jon Stewart quotes (American Comedian and Actor, b.1962)
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 Jokes and Funnys

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PostSubject: Jokes and Funnys   Jokes and Funnys EmptyThu Oct 01, 2009 4:57 pm

Just post up a few funny jokes or riddles you know

Jokes and Funnys AbsenceOfMercy
AbsenceOfMercy..................SnD Excellence
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes and Funnys   Jokes and Funnys EmptyThu Oct 01, 2009 5:45 pm

There was this guy who was sunbaking nude at the beach minding his own business, when all of a sudden out of nowhere he noticed this little girl was approaching him, he quickly got a newspaper and covered his crotch.

The little girl came up to him and asked, "Hey Mister, Whats underneath your paper ?", the then guy said," Well thats my little birdie".

She then turned and walked off, he thought nothing else of it and layed back down and went off to sleep.

He woke a few hours later freaking out in hosptial as he was in a bed, numb from the waist down and covered in bandages, he looked for the Emergency help button to call for a doctor, when he arrived he explained what he recalled and with that, the doctor raced out of the room enroute to the beach.

The doctor went looking for the little girl to get to the bottom of this, so he scaled the beach high and low in vein and when he was about to give up he caught sight of her, so he raced over to her family and asked her if she knew what happend earlier, she proceeded to tell him, "Well I saw this guy on the beach and went up and asked him what was underneath his paper, he said it was his little birdie, so I went back to have lunch with mummy and daddy, but then I got bored so I went back to play with his little birdie, but when I did it got angry, it stood up and spat at me, so i broke its neck, cracked it's eggs and set its nest of fire and walked off"

I think the doctor even had a laugh at that...

The mother of an african american family was baking a cake.

The mother had a bowl of flour for her cake and one of the children came over and dunked his head in it and said "hey look mum, im a white fella"
The mother then smacked him on the head and told him to never say that again.

So the child went and showed his grandmother"hey look grandma, im a white fella"
his grandmother proceeded to belt him over the head and told him never to say that again.

confused, the child went to his father and said " hey look dad im a white fella" The father belted him over the head, Never say that again son. now, have you learnt your lesson?

the kid replies"yeh i have, ive only been a white fella for 5 minutes and i already hate you black cunts".

What does Gay stand for ?

Got Aids Yet


What does AIDS stand for ?

Arse Injected Death Sentence


A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and mixed emotions when he turned to his wife and said,

"Honey, that's a bunch of crap, I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

She said, "You have the biggest penis of all your friends."

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart. The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop. As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and that's when you realize, you have been istening to your iPod.

Wats the difference between a woman having her period and a terrorist?
U can negotiate wiv a terrorist

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record. Behind the counter is a young boy.
She says to him "Excuse me sonny, but do you have Jingle Bells on a sevin inch?".
He replies, "No ma'am, but I've got dangling balls on a nine-inch."
"That doesn't sound like a record?" shes says looking confused.
"It bloody well is for a 10 year old...."

I took my dad to the Shops the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).

We decided to grab a bite at the food Chicken hut

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:

'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:

'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.

Who says today's kids aren't smart? Well, some of them are!

At a high school in Tamworth, a group of students played a prank on the school.

They let three goats loose in the school.

Before they let them go they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.

Local Authorities spent most of the day looking for #3

The first box was used in cricket in 1874. The first helmet was used in 1974. It took 100yrs for men to realise that the brain was also important

Rocky the rooster was the meanest, biggest rooster in the world and spent his time beating the shit out of all the animals on the farm. 1 day he picked a fight with the farmyard cat, unfortunately the cat beat the shit outta him. The moral of the story is no matter how big the cock is, the pussy can always take it

This guy is really drunk and he walks out of a pub and sees a nun waiting at the bus stop. he goes up to her and starts beating the shit out of her and then looks at her when she is on the ground and says "you're not so tough now are you Batman"

A little guy is sitting at the bar, when all of a sudden a thug smacks him in the face and says "thats KUNG FU from japan", a bit later the thug smacks him again and says "thats KARATE from korea", the little guy gets up and leaves the bar. A short time later he comes back and smacks the thug knocking him out cold and says to the barman "when that cunt wakes up, tell him that was a fucking SHOVEL from Bunnings...

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